Part I: You must be Kidding me!

Well hello there ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again to dive balls deep into another Football Manager adventure that’s bound to end in misery, or at Queen’s Park.

Last time out I survived just 16 games in charge of Chorley and then got Queen’s Park relegated to the bottom tier of Scottish football while averaging less than a goal a game across both tenures.

Let’s just say I didn’t sparkle at FM17.

Well, FM18 is here. I’ve got a new laptop, there’s nothing interesting on TV, it’s late on Saturday night, I’ve just downed a can of Relentless – let’s go!

Starting unemployed failed spectacularly last time, so obviously I’ve decided to start out unemployed again. Who knew that not managing a football club for a few months could be such an interesting part of a football management game?

It’s the not knowing that hooks me in. Why manage Man City when you can take charge of Chorley? Oh no, not them again I hear you cry. Well, no. Don’t panic. But I’m in the same division again, though.

Rich, meet Kidderminster Harriers. Kidderminster Harriers, meet Rich.

They were expected to make the National League North play-offs but instead, after 13 games, they found themselves second bottom. They could’ve almost been managed by me from my FM17 days. Anyway, they sacked the doofus in charge and decided to give me a go (once their caretaker manager had won one and lost one to lift them above the relegation zone).

So, with 14 points from 15 games and hovering dangerously in 18th place, I studied my squad, gave them all a good talking to and told them 12th place was within our reach. Don’t tell me I can’t deliver inspiring team talks.

I’d been bold because I hadn’t even looked at my first fixture in charge (Stockport, top of the league, away) or even noticed that I didn’t have an assistant manager stood next to me.

I rectified that by bringing in someone called Kyle Duff, who appears to have never worked in football before. No career history, no coaching history, nothing. But he has a two-and-a-half star rating for the assistant manager role, and that’s probably the best I can hope for.

My highest paid player is Joseph N’Guessan, who’s on £875 a week. Everyone else is broadly between £300 and £800, so my weekly wage budget of just over £10,000 must be one of the best at this level. Those are National League wages, really.

But there was no time for any pleasantries – we had to head straight up to Stockport and take on a team that had only lost once all season. Don’t ask me how – because I really don’t know – but we won 2-0. Both goals were scored by centre back Tyrone Williams. I won’t pretend we played well, though. County had more of the chances and dominated possession, even though we played a structured 4-1-4-1 formation.

We were a little more convincing in our next game, away at Harrogate – even though we fell behind early. A tactical tweak here and there seemed to do the trick, and as the game wore on it only looked a matter of time before we got a deserved equaliser (through substitute Devante Rodney, on loan from Hartlepool). That goal felt very satisfying.

We were certainly the better team at home against Darlington and deserved the three points but, my god, it was a boring game. It seemed fitting that the winning goal from striker Joe Ironside – who seems a bit of a whinger already – was a scrappy, deflected rebound from a keeper mistake.

Three games, two wins, one draw and a couple of clean sheets thrown in there to boot! Not bad. But then it all came apart at mid-table York.

We endured a horrible end to the first half, conceding two quick goals that killed the match. We got worse in the second half, conceding two more before the hour mark, although one of them was so far offside it almost occurred off my computer screen.

Suddenly I saw how hopeless we could be in defence. A fifth got me pretty angry, before we went up the other end and scored two consolation goals.

There’s definitely something to work with here at Kidderminster because, despite that 5-2 defeat, we edged possession and created more chances than York. If we keep doing that, we’ll certainly be good for that 12th place finish.

 

Part III: I’ve been sacked!

Well, well, well. I couldn’t even see the season out! I took over Chorley at the end of November and 16 games later, before we even reach April, the chairman’s chucking my P45 at me.

I’d be the first to admit that I’m not the strongest FM player the world has ever seen, but being sacked by Chorley represents a new low.

You know those people who say a bad workman always blames his tools? They’re wrong. Tools let good workmen down all the time – tools like centre back Andrew Teague and ‘star’ striker Jason Walker. Sure, they might look ace in training, and you have your assistant manager in your ear all the time telling you they’re great, but then they put in dog shit performances on the pitch.

Thanks, lads.

My last game in charge turned out to be a 1-0 defeat at relegation rivals (and all-round bell ends) Salford. I don’t deny that it was a bad loss. We’d fallen right back into the relegation scrap after losing five of our last seven, and going down to a late winner against Gary Neville’s plaything was the final straw as far as the board was concerned.

I took over Chorley when they were 18th. I leave them 19th, teetering on the abyss:

Thank god for Rosie O’Neill, though – the press officer who ‘forwarded’ the news of my sacking onto me for ‘my attention’. She thought it’d be nice for me to know, bless her:

I also reckon that 16 games, or 113 days, is the shortest amount of time I’ve ever spent managing a club on any version of FM before getting sacked (although I did walk from Ipswich when I’d lost nine in a row and only won one in 18 back in the CM2 days). My career earnings amount to just under £5,200.

I won four, drew four, lost eight, scored 13, conceded 24 and picked up 16 points. We just couldn’t score enough goals. Sadly, all the games I was in charge of fit on one screenshot:

Here are a few more details of the feckless twats that let me down:

So, I’m an unemployed manager at the lowest level of the game with a sacking on my CV. If I’m serious for just a moment, I do think the decision was a little harsh since we hadn’t actually spent any time in the bottom three – and the expectation set by the board at the outset was to avoid relegation.

With seven games to go, I could’ve steered them to safety. But I guess we’ll never know!

I hope they go down.

All that’s left for me to do is tap that space bar and see what comes up. I’m sort of excited about what will happen next, but in the meantime I think I’d better hit the SI Community to work on a tactic that improves on my frankly diabolical 0.8 goals-per-game ratio.